Ode to Masha

We were aged promises of love and half reassembled hearts

our grips too tight on souls yet to breathe, but together we inhaled freedom in realities apart

As the morning wind whispered that loneliness is merely a deception

I swore to myself everything was worth the risk, because you are The Only Exception.

color tv’s portrayed happy families and a lifestyle of porsches

Our dreams pre-chosen tinted by broken homes of divorces

Fate taken place, it was too late for me to make amends

but Oh Lord, I promised you a lifetime and a Mercedes Benz

As Lovers and friends, side by side, following the lights across the midnight sky

It seems We Found Love in a place cursed hopeless, its the way I’m focused on this feeling as your shadow crosses mine.

You’re a vision of ecstasy. Eyes lit, sparkle like Diamonds in a sea full of beauty.

We become one like moonshine, sun rays in the night time. 

fingers hold Solar eclipse lining of our life signs.

Swinging between these odd jobs.

living among the stars

downtown in the blue dark

drunk, you tell me singing in some old bar

“Heaven is a place on Earth with you”

I believe it as I do

Next day, you’re in my favorite sundress, undressed, sweet honey perfume.

No Videogames, it’s a matter of truth.

Baby- there’s nobody badder than you.

~

You are given my everything while the world takes the rest

Tangled in silence, my sky don’t cry or I’ll have nothing left

Passing by as I take a deep breath,

Exhale cold afternoon vapor, I reply we’ll rise like that Skyscraper

So darling, don’t let them tear us apart for this vile paper.

A little while later you bring up your mother and how I hate her. I let you vent on, why cater? How she was right and I was never her favorite.

With cloudy eyes you look into mine, saying you were afraid. I tell you to save it.

Do you understand all the sacrifices that I’m making? You should feel the same.

You were always my medication, my sunlight morphine for the pain.

(Besides you were broken and I was the one that saved you)

As the car radio plays, a weather warning saying It Will Rain

It started to pour, you walked out the door, I reached for your hand and mine was burned by the flame.

I get out and chase after you, screaming your name

What’re you doing? Stop running away! I didn’t mean what I said. Please let me explain!

Your voice breaking,

I can’t trust what you say! You’re a fucking loser and a liar playing games!

(I don’t even know if I’m in love with you anymore)

I close my eyes for a moment struck by the pain

My knees weak, strong words from your lips that Set Fire to the Rain.

It seemed like our anger got the best of us in slow motion frames

On the wet road your feet slipped, tripping over your own words, hands skid like my heart beat on the street ripped

You screamed “Shit, fuck this!”

Bursting into an inferno of tears

Physical agony and internalized fears

I came and sat by your side

I started to cry

“My love, I know what you’re saying are lies”

I took your hand and held it in mine

Kissing every inch in a consecutive line

Up to your arm, your neck, your lips

And looked deep in your eyes

“I can see your heart being deceived by your mind

Baby please, all I’m asking from you is to Try.”

Our souls lock caught in a moment

Your lips part but no words were spoken

Only the sound of the rain and a silent agreement

While we walked back to the car I wondered what it would take for you to believe it

~

As I lay in bed that night, clouds of hot headed thoughts that spun my dreams

Flashes of fish nets cast out into stormy seas

A house boat caught on the verge of tipping, 

As I look past the horizon,

the heavens part and demons bearing mirrored crosses flood the skies in

One swoops down, slaps me and drops the crux in front of me

I look at my reflection that warps into eternity

The compressions of my days

Revealing the roots of my ways

A black widow crawls from the vision of my heart center. Beautiful, ineffable.

I am allured, attracted, affixed, metaphorically attached.

The arachnid thrown, my hand bitten into the seas.

My clothes burn from its venom

Nude as bundles of money fill my arms

I try to give you my efforts,

Isn’t this what we wanted all along?

The stacks held together by bands, written in cursive the word ‘dreams’,

But you turn your cheek and tell me that it makes you feel worthless, what the fuck do you mean?

I put my head down for my feelings to console

but when i look up we’re headed for a split racing down the road

I turn the car right, but you pull the wheel left

Spinning out of control, at a loss of breath

I step on the breaks, for a moment questioning the fear of death

Now stuck in the middle of two paths, you open the door

I reach for your hand- deja vu but this time I grab it 

The harder I gripped, the more I saw a hole grow in my chest

I was inclined to confess 

“I can’t live without you. I want you to Stay!”

Your image shattered like glass solely leaving a fleeting hand in mine that scattered into the wind.

My reality becomes a dark abyss and I fall from a burning building

Past the apprehension of death but the natural fear of Plummeting

~

I crash, a cold sweat, broke up from a fever dream

Blurry eyed, I reach over to secure my queen

Check twice in disbelief, and on the third, touch upon a letter

I open the envelope, your ring drops telling me “Forget her!”

Spastic, frantic, you disappeared like magic, thoughts flashing, boots and leather

Written in your penmanship

“I can’t do this, I’m sorry. Don’t look for me and please don’t miss me.”

My reality crumbled, concluded that my only solution was whiskey

Living in this world of sinners,

gone was my girl that didn’t carry the fight

Mad and drunk out of my mind, I punched out the bartender’s lights. You were my warrior queen that ran off to Marry The Night.

The next morning I woke up behind a dumpster, the pain exponential

Insecurity, embarrassment, self-loathing, suicidal potential

I felt like I lost all meaning in my existence but I kept searching for you on empty persistence.

I kept seeing you in the crowds, I once turned a woman around and exclaimed aloud “Where Have You Been?”

Pepper sprayed in the face, my left eye hasn’t been the same ever since.

All my life I thought you were it.

At the time, I just wanted you back home you beautiful bitch.

But soon after, an old friend informed me, hearing about your business in the street.

A sour taste from my burnt lungs unsettled in defeat

Tears of wasted water, I deeply pondered, do humans need to love?

It seemed the worst things in life really did come free to us.

I sit at a diner drinking coffee black, an afternoon daydream

Sick thoughts of you, entertaining old men like the A Team

I remember when we were 18, 

you went down on me in the theatre, a matinée scene

~

Flash-forward

You told me you loved me,

sealed it with a kiss when we recited our vows

It’s funny what we made, isn’t it?

Look who’s the liar now…

I hope you’re happy, I didn’t forget how you called me Mr. Duplicity

It’s not fair what you did to me, I wish I knew how quickly you would be leaving me.

(2 years?)

I curse you every night for this cross that I bear, you spat on my face, was it enough phlegm?

Sometimes I cry out of anger and frustration 

Are you thinking of me when you fuck them?!

You Oughta Know, I wanted you to have our child, I thought you’d make an excellent mother.

But now you’re dead to me, I wouldn’t care if you were found in the gutter

~

I wasted that whole year ignited in a blue fear

streaming uninvited true tears

Then one day, I was reminded how to see clear.

I wrote for you, I wrote for me

I wrote to see, created a rope to climb this tree

Engraved with our initials, I made it official

I was still alive so what was the issue?

Time flies, another bittersweet truth

but I decided in time I would find Someone Like You

Bound by our glory days, as we wander through this summer haze

we were born and raised to traverse this self-created maze.

Although, sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead

I begged to see the light, and it shined, pouring sight into my head.

~

Now we’re both 25, 2 years since I let you go

I see you at a bar in Nebraska singing rock ‘n roll

A guitar on your lap as I watch from a couch all the way in the back

Admiring the unison of the rhythm of your wrist 

with each and every word, a drop of heaven from your lips.

After your set, I initiate “it’s been a long time miss”

Not surprised, you saw me with your lovely eyes and answer “Since?”

“Since You and I shared a kiss”

I lean in close and on my cheek you leave your print

I tell you that I drive a truck cross country, we talk about shallow shit over whiskey, our favorite drink.

When the glass was done, I took a pause and looked in your eye, asked “What’s Up?”

You replied, vaguely “What do you think you punk?”

“I don’t know that’s why I’m asking.”

You answer, “I don’t perform on stages for time passing. I love singing. Music is my passion.”

I conveyed the feeling was mutual.

“Life is fickle but art is ever lasting.

We’re all waiting for a revolution.”

You raise your eyebrow “Oh really? and smirk in pure amusement

“I guess we changed a lot in the past 3 years huh?”

In everything I believe I reply

“Yeah that’s right hun.

I would’ve punched someone out if they said we weren’t forever.”

Your hand on my thigh, you stare into my eyes,

“Darling, I kept the real letter

(I kept you in my mind)

Remember when we were such fools and so convinced that we were so cool? We thought we had it together!”

“Yeah Who Knew, but I learned I was blind by my pride, now I count my blessings and cherish that time will get better.”

I order 2 more drinks, and take you by the hand

(Right now, I don’t care if you have a man)

I tell you we should leave, and you tell me that we can

The sun gone down, we step outside

I guide you to my truck, turn on the radio to set the vibe

I twirl you around and slide my hand gently to place it down your side

I say softly, “Baby, you cast a spell on me” close into your ear

You hold me tighter, I guess we’re still crazy after all these years.

The wind blowing a familiar song, tenderly carressing the trees

The stars shining above us, nature in harmony, the reflection of leaves

You say “Time is only slipping away. At least for a little bit, I want you to stay.”

The universe warmly moving our sway. Something about us, it still feels the same. 

You put your head on my shoulder and whisper

(I’m Glad You Came).